Thursday, 25 January 2018

I want to be a Tory


Being just an 'umble computer geek from the back hills of nowhere, one did not expect to ever know about WTO law. Nor indeed sanitary and phytosanitary measures, technical barriers to trade, regulatory harmonisation, tariffs, rules of origin, EFSA risk assessment, border inspection posts, subsidy quotas, intellectual property, maritime surveillance, air passenger rights, dispute resolution, international treaty law, EEA law, the workings of Efta and the processes of CJEU.

Nor did I expect to have to concern myself with international development aid, economic partnership agreements, MoUs, FTAs, RTAs, AEO and the likes. But being a citizen in a first world democracy you have a certain obligation to be informed and to stay informed. It's actually quite a lot of hard work. A lot of this knowledge is of no commercial value to me, and acquiring such knowledge has come at considerable expense.

Knowing all this I've had to fight my corner, take the time to explore the issues in greater depth, teach other people - monitoring every last twist and turn of the process despite the relentless tedium of it - and missing out on what I could otherwise be doing.

Little did I realise I could have saved myself the bother. I could simply have become a Tory. In future, that's what I'll do. Because when you're Tory you don't have to grapple with the details. You don't have to study the issues. You can simply transmit your ignorance, evade any debate, and people will worship you for doing so.  

When you're a Tory all of these issues cease to exist, every problem is resolvable at the wave of a magic wand, and the world instantly simplifies on your command. Forty years of globalisation simply stops existing. 

We are told by Tories that hard work is the way to the top. But that is not the example set here. Jacob Rees-Mogg has remained entirely oblivious to all of the technical aspects of Brexit, which is why, to him none of it presents any barrier. Living through the same events as me, the volumes written on the subject have not altered his view in the slightest. We are just a short hop from where we are to boundless riches. 

Not only does this win him the respect of his colleagues and attract a large following of Tories, it puts him in the running to lead the party and the country. All it takes is a plummy accent and a Gestapo haircut. Had I known I could have saved myself an awful lot of trouble. 

One might even ask, when we have such gifted people in our midst, why do we even need all these civil servants, trade negotiators and lawyers? The Moggster clearly has all the answers. Just join the Tories and everything just becomes so much simpler. Hard work and study is just for the little people. 

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