A cynics guide to the EU referendum

There are many strands of opinion in this big debate. There is Ukip who basically hate anything to do with Europe, do not want any international cooperation with them, don't think trade with them is important and would rather lose the referendum than have a campaign that didn't specifically hate foreigners.

Then there is the militant wing of Ukip who basically hate anything to do with Europe, do not want any international cooperation with them, don't think trade with them is important and would rather lose the referendum than have a campaign that didn't specifically hate foreigners - and Muslims - and think the EU is back door Sharia Law.

Then there are the Tories who basically hate anything to do with Europe, does not want any international cooperation with them, doesn't think trade with them is important and would rather lose the referendum than have a campaign that didn't specifically hate foreigners. Though for some reason they envisage having two referendums in order to negotiate a form of associate membership so we can more effectively not trade with Europe.

Then there are Labour eurosceptics who think TTIP is de-facto privatisation of the NHS and that the EU is a neoliberal conspiracy. Then there are Libertarians who want to leave specifically because the EU ISN'T a neoliberal conspiracy and TTIP won't privatise the NHS.

Then there are some moderate Leavers who think we should have a phased withdrawal that compromises on freedom of movement and retains single market membership while increasing our global participation. They now number in the high teens at the last count.

Then on the other side you have Tories who basically hate anything to do with Europe, do not want any international cooperation with them, don't think trade with them is important but basically think it's not worth the hassle to leave.

Then there are Tory europhiles who think we should only stay in a reformed EU. And by reform they mean a slight change in the seating arrangement in the European parliament so they can be closer to the President. Then there are Labour europhiles who think we should only stay in a reformed EU. And by reform they mean a slight change in the seating arrangement in the European parliament so they can be closer to the President.

Then there are Labour "eurosceptics". And by eurosceptic they mean they look forward to the day when Westminster is but a museum on the banks of the Thames and the EU holds full dominion over the seven kingdoms.

Then there the British public who genuinely could not give a tinker's damn. They think Brussels probably is wasteful, corrupt, bureaucratic and expensive and pointless, but half of them will still vote to remain in order to retain spurious rights they didn't ask for and don't use.

As a rule of thumb they think both campaigns are full of shit, and in the main couldn't name a single MEP except for that Nigel Farage whom the vast majority view as "a complete dildo". Oh and there's that posh bloke who had a go at that Labour prime minister in that Youtube once. The one who's always on telly. Daniel Hannerman or summink.

As a rule, the voters don't mind foreigners that much, and the people who hate the Muslims the most live in Ross-on-Wye and haven't actually seen a Muslim since the last time they went to Birmingham to look after their sister's cat while she was in hospital.

Most of them don't like politicians all that much, don't watch the news, and the news they do see is in loud primary colours before sunrise. They think europhiles are whiney disingenuous, patronising arses and they think eurosceptics are boring. And they are right.

They don't really understand referendums, they don't really understand the issues or the pros and cons of either, but they do know when people are bullshitting them.

Despite the PM being a lying toerag they still quite like him and would rather have him than Jezza. He could make a total pigs ear of renegotiation and people will still give him the benefit of the doubt when he says he has secured substantial and binding reforms. It may even make him more popular.

In the end they will vote on gut instinct for the side who don't look the biggest wankers. They will vote for the side whose reputation isn't in tatters due to dodgy facts, an incompetent campaign and persistent ridicule. Ho hum.